Friday, February 10, 2012



OCD: Not Exactly a Laugh

I have OCD. There, I’ve said it, and I’m going to publish my ‘confession’ in a blog for all to see.

I’m publishing this because I want people to understand. Obsessive-compulsive disorder isn’t just about being neat. It isn’t just about being a little too liberal with the Ajax.

When it’s bad, it can be hell. It can take over a person’s life.

So what is OCD?

The ‘obsessive’ part of the name refers to, you guessed it, obsessive thoughts. These thoughts are unbidden, unwanted, irrational, pervasive, and distressing. The thoughts are about harm. Harm to oneself, harm to loved ones, even harm to humanity as a whole. The idea of ‘harm’ can take a variety of forms – it can be getting sick, dying, or a smaller life event, like losing a job.

People with OCD are often sensitive and loving individuals, which is why the thoughts of harm cause such distress and fear. They also tend to obsess about things (surprise surprise!), which is why thoughts take such a strong hold. Instead of just letting go of a strange or disturbing thought, people with OCD will allow the thought to run around in their heads until it’s carved a deep groove. And that groove, along with the fear which accompanies the thought, is a big part of why OCD can be so difficult.

Another element of the disorder that contributes to its potency is that those with OCD become distressed not only by the content of the obsessive thoughts, but also the fact the thoughts exist, and have such a hold over the person.

This is because the thoughts and feelings experienced as part of the OCD are often in deep conflict with the person’s logical mind. On one level, the person knows that the thought is simply…well, a thought, and there is no reason why it should cause such a strong emotional response. On another level, the distress the thought causes disarms logic, allowing emotion to take over. To be a (mostly) logical person who is constantly struggling against irrational thoughts can be very frustrating. The result is, at least for me, a constant battle between what I know and what I feel.

It’s a little like when you have a bar of chocolate in the fridge. You know that it’s your fifth bar in the last hour, and you really, really shouldn’t have another one, especially since you're on Weight Watchers, but you just feel like you need it. And then you spend 15 minutes dithering over whether to have the bar or not.

As I said, the conflict that comes with OCD can be like that, except the pleasant thought of a chocolate bar is rarely involved.

The second part of OCD is akin to giving in and finally gobbling the chocolate bar, even though you know it’s not really the right way of dealing with your craving.

The ‘compulsive’ part of the name refers to the compulsions a person with OCD might perform to ‘get rid of’ the obsessive thought, and/or to stop the ‘bad thing’ they fear. The ‘bad thing’ can really be anything, depending on the situation.

For example, in my case, if it’s exam time, the ‘bad thing’ I fear might be failing my exams. If I’ve just seen something on TV about cancer, I might feel afraid that cancer will affect me or my family. Other people with OCD have fears that they will unwillingly hurt or kill themselves or a loved one. They could have thoughts that the doors or windows aren’t locked, even though they’ve been checked a zillion times.

As I said above, people with OCD will perform compulsions to ‘stop’ the distressing thoughts and/or prevent the occurrence of feared events.These compulsions,
like the thoughts, can take many forms. The classic one is hand washing, but
there are all sorts of ‘things’ (shrinks love the word ‘behaviours’) that
people with OCD will (or won’t) do. Excessive prayer, constantly checking locks, not touching bannisters…the list goes on.

Like the thoughts, the performance of compulsions can cause a great deal of frustration and internal conflict. The same issue of logic vs. emotion applies. There are times when I’ve been walking towards the bathroom to wash my hands for the 60,000th time, stomach churning with fear, while the logical part of my brain screams at me to go back to bed. 

There’s also the fact that the performance of compulsions can take a great deal of time and effort, and really interfere with a person’s life. The amount of times I’ve been late for something because I’ve had to wash my hands ‘just one more time’ is far too
great. Other people can’t even get out of the house, bound by their fear, and
the overwhelming need to wash all their (already clean) clothes.

So, that’s OCD. I hope I’ve helped people without OCD see that it can quite a bit more than just being too fond of hand sanitiser. It can be overwhelming, distressing, and frustrating.

On the bright side, we definitely keep the cleaning industry in business!

P.S.

If I get enough good feedback from this, I’ll write more, if people would be interested.